Let's face it: when you are married, it seems like a conflict is always lurking around, waiting to pounce on you and your spouse. When you are done with one, another one springs up unexpectedly around the corner, making you feel as if you are trapped in a vicious cycle. Conflict in marriage is normal and inevitable. Marriage is a union of two different people with varying personalities, perspectives, beliefs, and values.
Healthy conflict resolution can foster a deeper friendship between spouses, trigger growth, inspire creativity, and improve communication. On the other hand, unhealthy conflict resolution drives a wedge between spouses and is often a breeding ground for resentment. Do you and your spouse get embroiled in heated fights that leave both of you licking your wounds for weeks on end? Perhaps your fights involve name-calling, shaming, or even violence. They leave both of you reeking of bitterness, and you want nothing to do with each other for weeks.
Paul urged Timothy not to have anything to do with foolish arguments because they produce quarrels. He added that the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, and not resentful (2 Timothy 2:23-24). Conflict should be resolved amicably and respectfully to be constructive within marriage. Endless quarrels where spouses attack and put each other down only produce resentment, snuffing out the unity God ordained in marriage. Two cannot walk together unless they are agreed (Amos 3:3).
Did you know you can snuff out a fight with your spouse before it even rears its ugly head? Paul urged believers to walk circumspectly, not as unwise but as wise (Ephesians 5:15). You can apply godly wisdom and arrest destructive squabbles in their tracks before they spiral out of control. Here are four thoughts to consider.
1. Give a Soft Answer
"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Proverbs 15:1)
In marriage, quarrels often arise when spouses come at one another with accusations. "You did this!" or "You didn't do that!" The accused spouse immediately becomes defensive. Harsh words are exchanged, and tempers soar through the roof. What if you gave your spouse a soft answer whenever they come at you guns blazing? Instead of getting defensive, how about responding gently with a soft, disarming answer?
A soft answer will pour cold water on their fury and make them drop their ammunition. You could, for instance, say, "I am sorry that I have disappointed you. I am willing to do what will make you feel better." At this point, you may not even be fully aware of your spouse's misgivings, but you have one mission - to quell their anger. You can trust a soft answer to do the job. Your gentleness will frazzle your spouse, and they will have no option but to follow your gentle lead. Instead of giving in to offense and joining them in the boxing ring, issue a soft answer and watch their furry ebb away. Paul asked the Roman church not to be overcome by evil but to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21).
2. Pursue Peace
"Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord." (Hebrews 12:14).
"Depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it." (Psalm 34:14)
We are to pursue peace with all people, our spouses included. The Cambridge Dictionary defines pursuing as following someone or something to catch them/it. This implies an unrelenting search for peace, even when the other party is spoiling for a fight. Jesus taught that when someone slaps you on your right cheek, you are to turn the other cheek to him as well. If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, you are to let him have your cloak as well. And when someone compels you to go one mile, you are to go two (Mathew 5:39-41).
This is the extent to which Jesus would have us go in pursuing peace. Perhaps it sounds ridiculous as if God is asking us to become cheap doormats. But God is not asking us to do something impossible. He is asking us to follow in the footsteps of His son, who stripped Himself of His reputation and equality with God so that man can be at peace with God. His son even gave up his life so that we could be reconciled back to God!
How far are you willing to pursue peace in your marriage? What are you willing to give up for peace's sake? Jesus taught that the blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the sons of God (Mathew 5:9).
3. Embrace Healthy Communication
Healthy communication is a foundational pillar in marriage. Poor communication can rip a marriage apart. Scripture teaches us that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). How you exchange words with your spouse can either be building your marriage or razing it to the ground. You need clear, prompt, and effective communication to make your spouse feel respected and emotionally connected to you. Good communication between spouses also fosters trust.
Couples must uphold respect as they communicate. Paul asked the Ephesian church to speak the truth in love. While confronting your spouse, learn to douse your words in love (Ephesians 4:15). Also, ensure that you are taking time to listen to your spouse and not just demanding to be heard. Every man must be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger (James 1:19).
Additionally, choose your words wisely and refrain from attacking your spouse and instead address the issue at hand. Let your conversation be full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer your spouse (Colossians 4:6).
Other tips for healthy communication include not giving each other the silent treatment, keeping your spouse updated on your daily schedule, ensuring constant communication when apart from each other, not sweeping issues under the rug, and using a respectful tone. When couples uphold healthy communication, strife and quarrels have no room.
4. Never Forget That You Are One with Your Spouse
"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24).
Married couples often forget the essence of marriage- becoming one. Knowing that you are one with your spouse should keep both of you from tearing each other apart with your words. When you attack your spouse, you are inadvertently attacking yourself. Your spouse is bone of your bones and flesh of your flesh. As such, you both must remember that you are on the same team. You have a shared goal of carving out a godly marriage, and both your words and actions should be aligned to that goal.
5. Practice Love
"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).
The perfect antidote to unnecessary squabbles between couples is loving each other how God expects them to. The love the passage above depicts is gentle, enduring, and patient. It doesn't seek its own good but prefers the other person above itself. It doesn't give up on people. It trusts, hopes, and never fails. Many unnecessary quarrels will be snuffed out if couples practice this kind of love.
Although conflict in marriage is inevitable, couples do not have to tear each other down with words and constantly get embroiled in fights. The above suggestions are useful in helping spouses live peaceably with each other.
Originally published Thursday, 19 October 2023.
